When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
