when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
logging onto twitter…
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.