Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

🍂🕷️🍂

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room