Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

I want this so bad

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!