when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
you will never know the true number of layers
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My Sentiments Exactly
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo