When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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Frog purse.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
