When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
BaD BoY!!
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
This did not end as expected.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.