When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
everyone has that one prude friend
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.