Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?