When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accidentâŚđ
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âName?â queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
give a man a fish, thatâs a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Me: Evil always thinks itâs doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My kid, 6: Whatâs the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parentâs funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with âlove you byeâ
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. Iâm not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what Iâm saying isâŚI am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Never deleting this app.
Guys, Iâve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. Itâs like Iâm some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. âI found these. Weird?â
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose â holding your record albums
People are surprised when I tell them I donât like cilantro. Mostly because Iâm in their house unannounced
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell âSOSâ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know Iâm a vegan.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The next person who says Iâm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Rt to bother an English speaker
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOUâRE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOUâRE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Once my husband had me watch a video of âthe most amazing guitar player ever,â and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
5 is threatening Siri that heâs gonna turn off the iPad bc sheâs not doing what he wants
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
No, I donât need a bag; Iâm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids arenât going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
You learn early in life not to play around in your momâs purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.