When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
You Might Also Like
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands