Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

i feel so bad i refunded him

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.