Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

(Jupiter –

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.