When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
