Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Writing, She Murdered.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.