Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

goldfish mafia

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”