Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

I mean…but I did

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple