When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed