When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.