When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.