Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.