Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.