When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
🙅🏻
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT