Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.