When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
#SCOTUS one-star review
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.