When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds