When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
🐶😂
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR