When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
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Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck