Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.