Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Every damn time

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain