When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
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[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
What if all the cashiers are married?
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