When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
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So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
i was dropped as an adult
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Oddly specific
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If I ignore life will it go away?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless