When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Donkey Kong sommelier
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president