When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
You Might Also Like
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[eats all your cotton candy]
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
My birthstone is kidney
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When you put it that way… 😂
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.