when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
