Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

God, I love Scotland

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean