when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
#MeanwhileinCanada
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
guys I’m going home
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.