When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
You Might Also Like
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
#Caturday
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka