Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

The USS B port

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.