Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

I’m giving up ice.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer