When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down