Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Did…did a minotaur write this

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.