Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

My current situation

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.