When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Mornin
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.