When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off