When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*