Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

cat vs inanimate object

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.