When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*exercises sarcastically*
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!