Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.