Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

(Musicians.)

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.