When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.