@Spaziotwat

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

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@MrsTomServo

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

@JustDontBugMe

M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@tracietom

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@TragicAllyHere

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

@CodyJP9412

Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.

@recursivetaco

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that