Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that