when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to