when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.