Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

my nickname in college

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?