Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”