When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure