When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.