When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If a snake ate a cake
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids