When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
You Might Also Like
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.