Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.