When the stylist spins you back around
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’ve had relationships like this
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
