When the stylist spins you back around
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT