When the stylist spins you back around
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*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list