When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
This seems like peak sibling energy
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
estão todos miauvindo?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
gender is a sprctrum
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭