When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
sailors wish they could swear like me
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins