Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope