When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom