When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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i prefer mine room temperature.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I have taken up painting
That stupid look on my face, is my face
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.