*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I’d love this…lol
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
kids play hide and seek like
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes