*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.