Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

This story is comedy gold 😂

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Start the year as you intend to continue.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone