*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
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Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
79.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables