Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Herpes is trending, good job people

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS