Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Okay

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens